Mental Freedom

Here is something I want to remember: having babies and toddlers is hard. (Duh, I know.) But, I am on the tail end of those years, and I have noticed that sometimes, it seems as though others have forgotten the reality of life while parenting little ones. So, let me go down memory lane...

The most difficult things, for me, were the constancy and the unpredictability of needs. Something as simple as taking a shower had to be planned, so that someone else could take over for a few minutes. Tasks that were started early in the day might stay undone indefinitely, because of the rise of more pressing items. Children require constant attention; if left unattended for even a minute, they might put something dangerous in their mouths, fall down the stairs, or lash out and hit their siblings. Everything is interrupted: conversations with other adults, reading a book, household tasks, sleep. 

Well, you might be thinking, what about naptime? What about the evenings or early mornings? Surely there were pockets of time that you could take a breather? Well, call me fickle, but I found it incredibly hard to enjoy even those times, because they were not dependable. A child might nap at the same time for a few days in a row, then suddenly resist going to sleep, get sick and need to be held, or decide to wake up much too early... the variables were endless. I could only control so much about the situation; the rest was left up to the children, their temperaments, and their needs. And, usually I was using any sort of "down-time" to race against the clock to get necessary tasks done - switching the laundry, prepping supper, or doing a Zamboni-like sweep of the toys in the living room, for example.

I vividly remember once, in the midst that season, somehow ending up at home alone. I walked around the house for a few minutes, hazily bearing witness to the shambles that comes from a day of small children living, eating, and playing, and then simply sat down on the couch, motionless, staring straight ahead at a wall, for a long, long time. 

Of course, it could be that my particular personality combined with the needs of my particular children made that time more difficult; who knows? It's true that I do find great satisfaction in the feeling of moving forward and completing tasks, and perhaps I am a bit of an introvert, a slow processor, someone who needs time to let things sink in... so maybe all of that contributed to the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed. It was also difficult to keep an eye on the purpose of my work during those years - consistent, loving care and connection that lays the foundation for different phases of parenting. Instead, the days often felt like a treadmill of tasks that were done over and over (and over) again but are never really complete, if you know what I mean.

I remember trying to find words to describe the reality of living this way, feeling as if I could never, ever, for days and days on end, have a complete thought that was entirely mine. My mind was crowded, pulled in too many directions. There was no space to think, to reflect, or to dream.

I am now five years out from having an infant in the family, and my oh my, how times have changed. My kids are getting older and can now do many tasks for which they used to depend on me (like buckling seatbelts, cutting up food, putting on snow gear, brushing teeth, not hitting each other for the most part, etc). Two of them even like to read books! quietly! by themselves! for an extended period of time! On top of that, my health has been steadily improving, and I recently wrapped up a big project that had been a significant investment of time for the last number of years. All of those things together have contributed to a wonderful feeling of mental freedom, so that I have started to read interesting books, enjoy deep discussions, and actively look for ways to contribute.

It is important to remember hard times in life, and to recognize that mental freedom is a privilege that is not afforded to everyone. Those who are caring for small children are only one example; a time of illness in the family, a particularly busy season, stress about a situation or finances... all those things can crowd out your mind until there is no space for anything except what is right in front of you. If we are able to recognize those times, we can extend grace, compassion, and understanding to others (and to ourselves). And, perhaps, we can look for tangible ways to support and encourage, to help free up some of that precious mental space.