Winter Weary
In the last week or so, I have felt it... the prickle of the beginning of a yearning for spring.
It varies, year-to-year, when this hits. Sometimes, I can make it all the way through to February, especially if the sun shines on sparkly snow and I regularly go out snowshoeing and I have lots of good books to read. But, this year, so far, it has often been gray and cold and windy, and we were sick through Christmas, and I slipped on the ice this morning. So when that first seed catalog hit my mailbox, my optimistic "enjoy every season" discipline slipped, and for a moment, I allowed myself to imagine the summertime garden and warm sun on my shoulders. Big Mistake.
Each year, regardless of when it starts, the longing slowly increases. My mind wanders to green things growing, barn swallows returning, and goats munching on weeds. I start to think of the shovel in my hands, the smell of spring dirt, the taste of snap peas. The wish for spring stays small, but grows little by little, fueled by imagining and wondering and waiting and hoping.
Of course, it's too early for such nonsense. We've got months of winter ahead, dark evenings and cold mornings, weeks of sickness to endure and come through. That wistful longing, the hope, that little flame, it will keep burning but finally, the cold gray winds of March pretty well blow it out. I find myself utterly hopeless, despairing that winter will ever end and that spring will actually come. This, of course, is the feeling that C.S. Lewis draws upon for the beginning of his story in Narnia, where the White Witch reigns and it is "always winter, never Christmas."
But! Then, suddenly, surprisingly, there will be a sign, and hope will be renewed. My grandma will call and tell me that she has seen a robin. A robin! What a dream. I might brush past a pussy willow tree and notice the fuzzy flowers bursting from the branches and laugh out loud. My mom will tell me that it is time to buy seed potatoes before they are sold out. Life! Spring! It is coming. It is here, Hallelujah! The tight grip of winter is slowly loosened, and Aslan, as they say in Narnia, is on the move.
This longing that I feel for spring is similar to the longing that I have, that we all have, for all things to be made right. Sometimes it seems that despair will win, that life is too hard, that we have been waiting too long. Loved ones suffer, we suffer, we work so hard but begin to feel that it is all in vain.
But! We live in the in-between times, in the already, not yet. So, just like a robin on a branch, we get to see glimpses that reignite hope and may even make us laugh out loud. A friend brings a pie over and reminds me of what it means to live in community. A sunrise takes my breath away, and I begin to see the beauty of where I am again. A child points out a simple truth with such clarity and sincerity that I am stopped in my tracks, mouth agape. The Kingdom of God! It is coming. It is here, Hallelujah!
